another friend stopped talking to me after I spammed their inbox (just like this thread). now they're posting all this stuff about them enjoying life. and I'm not part of that.
to be fair I don't care what they do. I'm only upset nothing makes me happy. why can't I be happy like them. I've never been happy. there's no point to anything without happiness.
god I'm a loser.
one of my ex-friends plays football (the one who stopped talking after email spam). the football club sent an email about today's matches. they're playing today. I don't know if I should go watch.
I don't really care about football. and I'd have no business being there. I'm not welcome in that space. I'd be a loser being there just for them. I feel like going would make me a stalker.
all I'd see there is that they've moved on and they're happy. which would depress me. and I can't risk self-harming lest someone sees. seeing them would bring complicated emotions. anger, sadness, guilt, fear. I don't know if feeling all that is a good idea.
I didn't go. I feel asleep. I don't know if I would've gone otherwise. it would've been painful, but I'm a masochist.
I think they're avoiding me. I never run into them. in that case I wouldn't wanna make them uncomfortable by being there. can't handle the guilt of making someone's life difficult.
also one of my friends announced they're dating. so now all my friends are dating. I just wish I had a friend I could talk to without fear of repercussions. someone who liked spending time with me.
though to be fair I don't even like spending time with me, how could anyone else.
I ran into one of the people who stopped talking to me. they just waved hi like nothing had happened. I didn't wanna wave back but freaked out and did it.
I regret waving back. they don't get to pretend everything is fine. yeah this sucks. they won. fuck I hate myself for letting them win.