actually there's one thing other than dying. it's very lame. why am I so lame. I'm going to fail at that thing, and then dying will be the only option.
there's no way this ends with anything other than death. there's something wrong with me. maybe I can never be happy. I don't know if being sad is normal in these circumstances.
if the sadness is a healthy, normal response then maybe I'll find a way to change my circumstances and escape the sadness without dying.
but if it's an illness, if I'll be sad no matter what happens, then dying is how this ends. and all effort to change the circumstances is futile.
I know happiness is possible, I was happy as a child. but is my capacity for happiness ruined? there's only one way to know: keep trying to improve (or at least change) the circumstances, and hope for happiness