[ mona / prog / sol ]


The realization of one's true self-value

1 2020-06-10 23:47

I'm bad at math, every the simplest arithmetic calculations make me self-conscious and I end up either avoiding them or messing them up. I secretly avoid tasks and games that require intelligence, strategy, probability, connecting the dots... etc knowing that I'll fail miserably.

I'm actually very bad at programming despite claiming that it is my sole interest to cope with the reality that I'm in fact bad at everything else. Most of what I know is basic knowledge that anyone willing to spend time on it can understand, the rest comes out of the little experience I have. Nothing that I'd assign to myself truly.

My interest in literature is null, other forms of art such as the Japanese media I follow are generally something that isn't made to be discussed but rather simply digested to pass one's day. There's no true value to it and even if I came across something that can be discussed, I'd find myself lacking a solid personal opinion and having very few words on the matter. Looking at others write detailed discussions about their interests only seems to put me down even further with this realization in mind. My vocabulary seems to be very bland and simple, unable to make noticeable progress. I fail to even remember names of characters I once thought I'm fond of.

Everything that I try to get into scares me away right from the start, or rather I scare myself away... Even in this post, I cannot seem to find the appropriate words and expression to truly explain how I feel about my situation or what my situation is. I'm lacking the foundations but what are these foundations? That I don't know.

I don't want to keep isolating myself avoiding everything in my safespace anymore. I'd like to have a strong identity and strong opinions about things that interest me truly. I'd like to describe this issue even further and pin down both the questions and their respective answers. Did /sol/ ever experience this before? I wonder what /sol/ has in mind for me.



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