[ mona / prog / sol ]
I'm bad at math, every the simplest arithmetic calculations make me self-conscious and I end up either avoiding them or messing them up. I secretly avoid tasks and games that require intelligence, strategy, probability, connecting the dots... etc knowing that I'll fail miserably.
I'm actually very bad at programming despite claiming that it is my sole interest to cope with the reality that I'm in fact bad at everything else. Most of what I know is basic knowledge that anyone willing to spend time on it can understand, the rest comes out of the little experience I have. Nothing that I'd assign to myself truly.
My interest in literature is null, other forms of art such as the Japanese media I follow are generally something that isn't made to be discussed but rather simply digested to pass one's day. There's no true value to it and even if I came across something that can be discussed, I'd find myself lacking a solid personal opinion and having very few words on the matter. Looking at others write detailed discussions about their interests only seems to put me down even further with this realization in mind. My vocabulary seems to be very bland and simple, unable to make noticeable progress. I fail to even remember names of characters I once thought I'm fond of.
Everything that I try to get into scares me away right from the start, or rather I scare myself away... Even in this post, I cannot seem to find the appropriate words and expression to truly explain how I feel about my situation or what my situation is. I'm lacking the foundations but what are these foundations? That I don't know.
I don't want to keep isolating myself avoiding everything in my safespace anymore. I'd like to have a strong identity and strong opinions about things that interest me truly. I'd like to describe this issue even further and pin down both the questions and their respective answers. Did /sol/ ever experience this before? I wonder what /sol/ has in mind for me.
It sounds like you have anxiety. Or maybe a neurological condition. All I know is that I'm the exact same way.
Everything humanly understandable can be understood by anyone willing to spend time on it. Your problem is that you are not willing to spend the time on it. Do you want to get better at maths? Practice it, study it. Do you want to get better at programming? Study it, practice it. Do you want to be able to write an essay on Deleuze's influence on Love Live! School Idol Project? Practice it, study it.
You should read this book: http://abahlali.org/files/ranciere.pdf
Sounds like mild anxiety that you're dwelling on and turning into an existential thing. Exercise and get some sleep. Articulate a simple goal you can achieve in the near term and try to achieve it. Repeat.
Maybe read Notes from the Underground while you're at it. Consider it a cautionary tale.
Taking my time reading Notes from the Underground, I am enjoying it so far and noticing the similarities between my personality and the personality of the author of those notes. I'd like to expand more about what I think about the book but I cannot really form it in proper sentences, I'd be glad to discuss it but other than that I'll continue reading it and see where it leads.
I haven't yet found exactly what I'm looking for in mathematics, possibly something I could make see in action in programming. I'm thinking linear algebra, formal proof verification, possibly first-order logic but I think I should start from zero, from precalculus and walk my way through there.
I noticed that I do not like solving exercises that aren't practical, as in don't belong to a real world problem I'm solving, which is why I do not exercise programming and math I suppose, I'll have to overcome this somehow.
Thank you for your recommendations, I'll make sure to read both of them and take my time with this.
Beware of Notes from the Underground, it's one of those harmful books that made me a fuck up.
Did it make you think your liver was diseased?
This seems tangentially relevant: http://worrydream.com/SimulationAsAPracticalTool/.
I used to think of myself in similar terms as you. Then I started lifting. Once you get testosterone in your bloodstream you will see the world differently. I recommend it from the heart. You don't need to become an obsessive bodybuilder, but the mood/mindset benefits of even casual lifting are enormous.
Bro "science" is so retarded.
That's fine. I'm retarded. You are much cooler than a simple Bro, anon.
You shouldn't feel guilty to exist.
Can you do anything about it? Does not seem like it. So you can either get depressed about it or simply use your time on something more pleasant.
Regarding being bad at stuff: So what? On one hand you are surely not getting better if you avoid it and on the other considering a considerable portion of humanity lacks a second braincell it's not like you are going to stick out in a negative way as long as you are just bad or even mediocre.
Only the anime i am not sure about. Is this really how you want to spend your day? Looking at stories about exaggerated characters whose life is full of meaning? If you keep your mental distance fine but i figure it might give you some wrong expectations. 99.99999% of this planets population isn't heroes or important or anything and they never will be. Still it's perfectly OK.
Can you do anything about it? [...] more pleasant.
I'm not getting depressed about it and ruining myself over time. I did/do choose to improve myself over time as much as I can. I also asked for advice here and followed some and trying to follow rest of the tips I see helped me. I would say that that anyone *really* willing to fix this situation would choose to give it more time and energy even if it all feels useless and meaningless.
I picked a book in each subject I felt horribly bad at and following through some of them and giving them proper attention. For the things that I had stated I am average or good at e.g., programming, I found that questioning everything I know before I'm about to use it to be very useful, even if it's only just opening the Wikipedia page and reading about the concept e.g., What is testing? Why do I write tests in this particular way? This proved to be quite efficient too.
on the other considering a considerable portion of humanity lacks a second braincell [...] you are just bad or even mediocre.
I would you to elaborate this part please. Is it really enough? Is really satisfying to simply rely on the "fact" that a considerable portion of humanity lacks a second braincell? Why can't one be better if they so wish, even wish desperately? As far as I know, there isn't a strict rule limiting how you can know *assuming* you even know how much you want to know.
Even your statement, if you don't mind me saying this, is weak. Lacking a second braincell doesn't completely eliminate all your chances of mastering at least one thing. Being at bad stuff that you've got your vision on doesn't necessarily mean you cannot fix or you cannot find other things that you can actually be good at. Both are time consuming and are, I think, mutually exclusive for the most part. I know you said "or even medicore" which I do agree with, I think it's fine to be medicore at some things but shouldn't one be good at least one thing? Why isn't it possible for people, or rather why can't it be possible, to simply be good at at least one thing. Are some humans, such as myself in this case, only limited by mediocrity? How can you prove that?
Only the anime i am not sure about. [...]. Still it's perfectly OK.
I never implied any of this. I solely mentioned the fact that it would be best for one to have strong opinions about things they consume. Strong understanding of stories they choose to read. Say you're a fan of X and meet another fan of it, how would you proceed to have a rich conversation with that person about X? How are you supposed to enrich your knowledge about it? Keep in mind that it's a story, it's also not created by you but agreed on by you. There are some stories that leave a thing in you but you don't necessarily feel like adding more to it. You choose to recommend that someone reads it directly instead of talking about it, you choose not to discuss the story but rather point at it. But what about the discuss-able ones? I personally have very little experience with those. Anon's recommendation of *Notes From The Underground* was certainly a good one and I personally fail to see how to discuss other than to simply appreciate it. I'm talking about discussing things you appreciate fully, about giving back to them, about having a good grasp of them and so on... Not watching something for the sole purpose of passing time or watching characters be heroes and get what they want.
Thank you for your reply.